Friday, May 28, 2004

Tears worthy

By Seth Bradford Koenig


I used to believe that before a person shed tears over
the passing of another, that that person must first
earn the right to shed those tears.

I would see acquaintances crying at funerals that I
thought they had no business even attending, much less
crying at. I would think to myself, in my typical
vent, "What is SHE crying about? She didn't even know
grampa that well. She's just trying to draw attention
to herself - this is Grampa's moment, not hers. She
hasn't done anything for Grampa to deserve to cry for
him."

Casey, I thought, was a person that I always
respected... and respected, I thought, way too much to
cry for when I didn't deserve to do so. It was my
friend Matt that stood beside her through all of her
hardest times, and it was Matt that would take her out
to eat from the hospital on her day pass, and it was
Matt that I'd occasionally ask, "How's Casey these
days?"

An occasional "How's Casey these days?", I thought,
was not even close to enough effort as a friend to
warrant me drawing attention from those who deserve
it. I didn't believe I deserved to cry. Passing
inquiries into her well-being had not all-of-a-sudden
thrown me into Casey's inner-circle, and Casey's
inner-circle is who needs our support right now,
because Casey's inner-circle was there for her when
she needed them to be.

Matt put in the love and effort for Casey and
therefore he now deserves to shed tears. It's my job
to be there to talk if he needs someone, I thought,
not to shed tears myself.

Yet as I remember how much fun Casey made the
Massachusetts Daily Collegian when she took over the
Editor-in-Chief position her senior year there - my
sophomore - all I have are sunny thoughts. Smiles.

Anybody that's been to the UMass campus center
basement, where the Collegian offices are found, can
tell you that it can be a very depressing place to
spend time if the right people aren't around. Before
Casey took over the top position at that paper, it was
a little more like work and less like a calling.

When Casey was the editor I was working for, writing
was a calling. It was inspiring. I looked forward to
being in the windowless basement offices, oftentimes
called the "dungeon" in as lovingly a manner as people
can use the term. At the risk of sounding corny, Casey
was our sunlight down there. She made sure the work
got done, but made sure we were all having fun doing
it and she fueled our passion.

All I remember are smiles.

I remember smiles on HER face, and I remember smiles
on the faces of every other person that worked down
there. I remember smiles on the faces of all the
people that have written stories for this website.

As much as I never thought I deserved to cry at this
moment, I find some tears rolling down toward the
corners of my mouth right now.

Whether or not I've earned the right to shed tears for
Casey, there's no doubt in my mind that Casey earned
the right to draw tears from my eyes. Maybe it's not
about who deserves to shed them. Maybe it's about who
deserves to draw them.

Casey deserves every last tear that's shed, and it
does her justice that despite my attempts at
restraint, I can't seem to keep them in. Casey Kane,
these tears are for you, and I mean no disrespect.

Seth worked with Casey at the UMass Daily Collegian.

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